Smile to a baby. His face lights up with joy. Uninhibited by fears, shyness or other social and emotional hang-ups, he readily shows you his pleasure. Yet a child of any age basks in the radiance of your smile, though he may not be so quick to reveal his pleasure.

Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, in his classic text Alei Shur, writes: "Who knows which is more beneficial for a child's health and development – the food he eats or the warmth he is shown? And it is known that it is very difficult for a child who has been raised without warmth to be healthy emotionally."

Even in the first days of a child's life, while still in the hospital, there is a noticeable difference between infants who have been hugged and touched by their mothers and those who have not.

Every parent knows the exquisite feeling of love. Expressing the love that we feel toward our children, through words and actions on a consistent basis, conveys to them that they are important to you and that they are accepted.

A smile from a parent envelops the child in love. Smile all you can, shower them with the sunshine of your love.

Tell them in clear, direct language how much you love them and how much you enjoy having them around. One woman I know likes to remind her children again and again that she is a billionaire, since each of her children is worth billions.

Surprise your child with little trinkets now and then, and tell him, "Son, I was thinking about you today." Your child will get the message that you truly care about him, he will be able to touch and feel your love, and he will treasure both the gift and its message.

Engage your child in casual conversation. Tell him about your day, about your feelings, about your hopes and dreams. Not only will he reciprocate in kind, following your lead, but these conversations will demonstrate how important he is to you and how much you enjoy his company.

Beware of hinging your love for your child on his behavior, actions or deeds. Don't fall into the trap of "if/then" love: If you do well on your test, then I will be warm to you. If you fail, then you will be subject to an icy reception from me. True, disciplining our children is imperative if we want them to grow up as healthy, strong and successful individuals. That is why, when we truly care for our children and keep their best interests at heart, discipline is love. When disciplining with love, we do not hesitate to teach our children the law of cause and effect by punishing when necessary, but we do so with love in our hearts. The child can learn that there are negative consequences to negative actions and positive consequences for positive actions in a calm and loving manner.

Unconditional and consistent love, regardless of what he does or says, is the greatest gift you can give your child. It is a clear message that he has inherent value and will eventually have the capacity to experience G‑d's unconditional love for him as well. As it says in Ethics of the Fathers, Israel is precious and are called children of G‑d; an extra measure of love was given to them by telling them they are children of G‑d. The strength he will derive from the deep knowledge that he is acknowledged, loved and an important human being will help him overcome all obstacles.

One of the most difficult traumas a child can experience is rejection by his/her mother. Some readers will vehemently protest that such a phenomenon does not exist. But the truth is that it does. Not all parents love or even like their children. Some parents feel burdened by their children or resentful that they are not what they "ordered" and do not fulfill their expectations.

Obviously, all parents feel frustrated, burdened, overwhelmed and exhausted at times. But some parents are downright rejecting and abusive, so immature or disturbed that it is difficult, if not impossible, to provide love and security on a consistent basis. People who are impulsive, undisciplined and self-absorbed will resent the fact that a baby caused them to lose out on a restful night's sleep, the fun of hanging out with friends, and the freedom to come and go as they please. Addictions, even seemingly "innocent" addictions like shopping or workaholism, let alone drugs or internet, leave no space in their hearts to bond with another, as the addiction eats up their self-respect, time and energy. Those with emotional disturbances, such as narcissism, Borderline Disorder, OCD, anxiety, depression or autism, may be only peripherally aware of the child's very existence and incapable of paying attention to his needs.

The brain patterns and chemical makeup of neglected and abused children are different from well-loved childrenWe all know that if children are deprived of certain vitamins during their formative years, such as Vitamins A, B or D, they suffer lifelong problems such as brittle bones or mental retardation. Likewise, the lack of vitamin "L" – love – will create emotional handicaps. Not all of this damage can be reversed, since the brain patterns and chemical makeup of neglected and abused children are different from well-loved children. For example, neglected babies have a higher levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) and lower levels of vasopressin and oxytocin, the two “social bonding” hormones (National Academy of Sciences, Fall 2005). High cortisol levels cause them to feel anxious around people, thus reinforcing their certainty that "I can't trust. People will hurt me. Something is very wrong with me."

During the first year of life, babies are able to develop trust in people only if reliable and compassionate caregivers meet their needs for security and love. This relationship forms a template upon which his/her future relationships are built. Those who suffered neglect or rejection expect to be rejected, creating an atmosphere of fear and distrust. The handicap remains in the form of an invisible wall which springs up automatically when people come close. This does not mean that an unloved child is doomed.

How does one heal the seemingly "unhealable"? The first step is to understand the messages one imbibed in childhood. All people, including children, have a need to understand painful events and why they happen. Due to the child’s simplistic and egocentric grasp of reality, they (and many adults as well!) innocently assume, "Bad things happen because I am bad." After all, children idolize and idealize parents, certain that these "gods" know what is right, do what is right and have far more love, wisdom, power and money than they actually have. To make sense of what seems senseless, they make up their own personal narratives, such as, "I am not loved because I cannot be loved. I am inherently defective. It's because I'm not good, brilliant, obedient, beautiful or ebullient enough to deserve anyone's love." The "not good enough" belief is deeply engrained in the psyche. It seems like Absolute Truth, repeated millions of times in the mind, spoken as naturally and effortlessly as one's mother tongue.

It is typical for such a client to tell me, "My mother was always so nervous. She would get angry if I cried or asked for attention. I remember thinking, around the age of three, that if I died, she would be happy, because I would not be making messes or asking for attention. I wanted to make her happy, so I kept hoping to die. Throughout my life, I have thought, 'If my own mother could not love me, then I must be inherently unlovable. It means that no one can love me. It means I am not allowed to even love myself.' It didn't help that I married a cold and critical person."

Draw yourself as you are now, a person of compassion and wisdom, next to that suffering childIf you adopted such a false narrative, you must go back and liberate your Inner Child which has been held captive by a false belief system that is brutal and pitiless. I suggest that you draw a picture of your Inner Child confined at the age when you first remember feeling unworthy. Now, imagine that you are on a rescue mission. Draw yourself as you are now, a person of compassion and wisdom, next to that suffering child. Write down the words of love, empathy and comfort which the Inner Child needs to hear, perhaps, "I'm so sorry for all your pain. It wasn't your fault. You were just an innocent baby, a precious child. G-d was so happy that you were born. It was part of His plan that you were given this mother. It has given you special sensitivities and understandings that many people do not possess. Your mother did her best. She gave all that she could give. Due to her own lack of emotional nourishment, you were malnourished. I will liberate you from this place of trauma and turmoil and will devote my life to healing this wound by showering you with love."

Like survivors of concentration camps, a malnourished Inner Child is not able to take in too much emotional "nourishment" at once. You must patiently teach your Child to believe in this new language of love. At first, your Inner Child will reject words of love as insincere lies. Keep practicing this language throughout the day until it becomes second nature. For example, teach yourself to think:

• "It's okay to be imperfect and average. I don't have to be the best or the most spectacular. It is enough to just do my best. After all, everyone is imperfect in some way."
• "I am as lovable and deserving of love as anyone on the face of this earth."
• "I am a success – for simply figuring out how to survive."
• "I am allowed to enjoy in this very moment. I am grateful for whatever I have, including my eyes and hands, the rain, the flowers and any caring people in my life."
• "I will not allow myself to be exploited or abused in order to avoid being abandoned. I can take care of myself and live with dignity and self-respect."
• "I give because giving is empowering and gives me a sense of joy and significance."
• "I don't have to be anxious, suspicious and fearful all the time. I can relax, knowing that G‑d is taking care of me and giving me everything I need at every moment."
• "I don't have to numb the pain with addictions. I can enjoy the pleasure of healthy food, healthy exercise and healthy disciplines. Self-discipline will build self-respect."
• "I am far more powerful, wise and courageous than I have ever acknowledged."
• "I won't coerce others to fulfill my needs. I feel powerful when I take charge of my mental and physical health and am protective and caring of others."
• "G‑d loves me as I am, right this second."

Healing is a life-long task. It requires giving what we did not get. And it requires a great deal of compassion and patience. Every step is precious and important. Love heals. All G-d asks from us is to be as loving as we can be at every given moment.

To read the previous article in this series, Self-Esteem, Individuality and Love for Teenagers, click here.

Control

As children move from infancy into middle and later childhood, they have a growing need for control over their environment. To meet this need, teenagers must be given reasonable power to make choices about what they eat, whom they play with, and what extracurricular activities they participate in. They need to be given the opportunity to make choices that they view as important in different areas in their lives. Parents can find many ways to safely empower teens without allowing them to make dangerous choices. Teens can make safe choices when buying clothing, planning family trips, or selecting their birthday presents. Most of the time the significance of the choices does not matter; even small decisions can make a difference and allow them to feel that they can fulfill their desire for control in a healthy way. Whether to eat chocolate or vanilla ice cream, what time to have a get-together, or which days are best for a family outing are equally important. Although some choices seem inconsequential, what matters is the overall feeling teenagers will have when given the power to choose.

I once counseled family whose oldest child had trouble sitting for a long period of time at the Shabbat table. As the firstborn, he seemed to have a strong desire for control and felt too old to be sitting with his younger brothers and sisters. I suggested to his father that he make his son a partner in running the Shabbat meal and turning over some responsibility, such as giving out treats to the other children for good behavior. Almost immediately, this teenager felt empowered at the table and was more willing to participate and enjoy the family experience. He was provided a way to fulfill his need for control in a healthy manner, which reduced the power struggle at the table that had been going on for some time.

Control may also be given in return for a teen accepting increased responsibility. Here are some suggestions for safe levels of control parents can allow their teenager:

• For teenagers who want to use the car: Make a list of necessary maintenance activities, like buying gas, changing the oil, and checking the pressure in the tires. Explain that when you see that they are responsible for taking care of the car, you will discuss ways of letting them use it more often.

• For teenagers who want to buy their own things: Open a bank account with them and set target dates for saving money to buy the items they want. You can also deposit an allowance into the account on a weekly basis according to their behavior in the home.

• For teenagers who want to have more fun outside the house: Make a list of chores around the house that they are responsible for. Reward their performance monetarily or by taking them to do fun things.

• For teenagers who want to buy a lot of clothing: Create a monthly clothing allowance, a budget, and a list of prices of the clothing they want to buy.

• For teenagers who don't like school and want to work: Arrange for an after-school internship in a local business or profession.

• For teenagers who don't like eating with the family: Buy an easy cookbook and have them make a weekly menu of the foods they prefer. They can also help cook the meals they have chosen.

When parents empower teenagers with a healthy modicum of control, they are giving them the strength to step into the adult world and take responsibility for their own actions.

Meaning

The fifth pillar of the inner world is what the eminent psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl called the "Will to Meaning." This desire for meaning implies wanting to know the whys of life and not just the hows.

Most teenagers have a tremendous desire to know why events are happening to them. In fact, when teens are empowered with meaning and understand the whys of life, they are more able to negotiate the hows and the many challenges that life presents.

Unfortunately, our educational system often denies a teenager's need for meaning. Our schools tend to tell our children what they have to do but not why they have to do it. When they are given an answer like "because I said so," they interpret it to mean the teacher is not interested in what they are feeling or what they have to say.

With this in mind, parents need to spend a considerable amount of time trying to explain to their teens the whys of life. For example, when children feel neglected by their school, parents can help by discussing with them how a school runs, the financial and organizational pressures facing the school, and why teachers can't always give students the attention they deserve.

Teenagers also benefit from knowing the meaning behind their parents' behavior. If you want your teenager to go to bed early, for example, the reason you might offer is that the teenager has been working hard all day and needs to go to sleep early. And that's sufficient. At least your teenager knows why you expect him or her to go to sleep and does not think that you simply don't want him or her around.

I remember coming home from a very hard day of work to a very lively household of children. I told them that I needed a break and would be glad to play with them later in the evening. In the past - before I learned about my children's inner desire for meaning - I wouldn't have spent much time explaining to them how I was feeling. After learning more about their inner world, I was able to sit down with my two older boys and say, "I just want you to know that I love you very much and I had a really pressured day at work. I have a big headache and need some time to read a book and relax. Giving me a little time now would allow me to give you more quality time later. Please play by yourselves for another half-hour. Then I will come out and help you with your homework and play." When I explained to them why they couldn't have my immediate attention, they were much less hurt by my not spending time with them.

Parents shouldn't worry that they have to provide the perfect answer for every question or know the meaning behind everything that happens in life. Nor do their answers have to be absolute proof in the philosophical sense. If parents don't feel that they have the right answers, they can always tell their teenagers that they would like to speak to an expert in that field or do some more reading about the topic. The key element is to make teenagers aware that you are interested in their world and willing to discuss ideas that are close to their hearts.

By focusing on their teens' inner worlds, parents can create a deeper connection and facilitate a greater sense of closeness. The benefits of this new relationship include:

• Mutual respect and trust
• Empathy – sympathetic understanding – for one another
• Emphasis on assets rather than faults
• Sharing of thoughts and feelings rather than hiding them and bearing resentment

Spending Quality Time Together

As part of the process of connecting to your teenager, an important step is spending quality time together. I know that, for many families, spending time with an individual child or teenager seems like a daunting task. However, making the effort to do so can go a long way in building your relationship.

One of the questions that parents have is about what will happen if they spend time alone with a teenager with whom they fight. The answer is often surprising. Most teenagers enjoy the special occasion of spending time with their parents alone especially outside of the home. I counsel many families who have daily screaming matches with their teenagers, but when they take them out of the house, the emotional environment can change very quickly.

During this time with their child, parents should try to imagine that they are going out on a date for the first time. Everyone knows that the first time people meet someone else they are careful with their emotions. They know that they have to be calm and pay special attention to not delve into the other person's private matters. A kind of healthy distance exists that protects people when they first meet and helps them to maintain a sense of awe and respect.

When alone with your teenager it's important not to rehash the same issues you have been fighting about in the home. Talking about general ideas concerning current events, music, or sports or about your child's feelings regarding life and relationships is more productive. The main idea is to have a good time together. Work on developing conversation in the way that you would with a friend.

Many parents think that the only way to get their teenager to spend time with them is by shopping or eating out. But that is not entirely true. I suggest parents connect with their teenagers by finding hobbies and activities of common interest. For example, my wife and I found a pottery studio nearby where parents and children can paint kitchen items like coffee mugs and tea pots that are then professionally produced in a kiln. Painting pottery is a simple and fun way of spending time together. You can also share what you painted with the rest of your family, which is symbolic of the productive nature of spending quality time with your children.

Dear Bracha,

In the past month, my 10-month-old son has started screaming every time he is the least bit frustrated. I understand that children are often looking for attention (negative or positive), so I try to ignore him while he's doing this. However, I do feel bad as he has no other means to communicate yet. How should I handle this situation?

Worried Mother

Dear Worried Mother,

Our sages talk about a sapling that is growing crooked. If the sapling is tended to while still young, and assisted to grow properly, the result will usually be a straight and tall tree. However, if the sapling is allowed to continue growing crooked, and efforts are only made at a later date to correct the situation, it is usually not effective. The trunk of the tree is no longer pliable. So, too, with young children; if they're allowed to develop poor habits of behavior when young, these habits will become the norm and may swallow up their good natures. The sooner poor behavior is corrected, the happier everyone will be.

What we have here is screaming (or crying or whiny noises of discontent) while mom goes through the 20,000 question game to find out what Johnny wants. Do you want a toy, do you want a cookie, do you want a drink…do you want me to play with you… – that's it!!!

Your son has gotten you to play with him, and whatever he wanted, if indeed he wanted anything, is beside the point. His main goal is to keep you engaged and focused on him and, as you can see, he's very successful.

Your analysis of the situation was correct, but not its conclusion. Your child's frustration is not because of things he cannot tell you, but because he has learned by observation that this "act" – which is all it is, an act – of frustration will keep you engaged. All he wants is: "Mommy, play with me. Mommy, pay attention to me."

Attention is about talking, touch and eye contact. Take it away during poor behavior, add to it during good behavior. Be very deliberate in your use of this technique since your son's difficult behavior can become personality traits if not nipped in the bud early. A child who gets results from showing frustration is a child who will not try to control himself because, by driving mother crazy, she will let the child have anything he wants just to get him off her back.

All of these are examples of children in control of the interaction. But you are part of this interaction; you can leave your son in control and react to whatever he is doing, or take control by controlling your response.

I usually get this question from parents whose children are older than yours, a bit over the age of one is average. So, off the bat, even though your child's behavior is normal, he is very precocious to start so early. So I assume you have a very smart child on your hands. The pre-verbal child is a little trickier than post-verbal, but the younger the child, the more important it is to address the behavior, as it has more profound personality-shaping consequences.

Remove attention from him when he is showing poor behavior. Give him a short instructional phrase to guide him towards expected behavior, five words if possible; don't make eye contact with him when you say it – look over his head. Assuming this causes him to pause for even 60 seconds, you can then move on to positive attention by engaging him on your terms.

For example: your son is getting that frustrated look and "noisily" seems to indicate he wants something, perhaps a toy. Your response: "Johnny, I can't help you unless you carefully point to it." You say this while looking above his head and then turn your back to him. He sits puzzled, figuring out his next move, but he has been quiet for 60 seconds (or less at a younger age). Scoop him up saying, "Wow, that was good! I see you're thinking about things. Why don't we read a book for a little while?" You could play a game or take him into the kitchen while you prepare dinner, talking to him and making strong eye contact as frequently as possible.

What have you accomplished? You have separated his negative behavior from producing positive results. You have shown appreciation and positive interaction in response to his ability to "control" himself and follow instructions.

Children have a real need to receive attention from their parents. This need must be met. But it's up to you as to how you are going to do it. If you are going to be interacting with him anyway, why not maintain control of the situation and give him attention in a positive way?

Wishing you and your family all the best,

Bracha

To read the previous article in this series, The Roadmap to Your Teenager's Inner Worlds, click here.

Self-Esteem

We often use the expressions "good self-esteem" or "poor self-esteem" to describe people's evaluation of their own worth. When people have good self-esteem, they tend to view life from a positive perspective, seeing their potential value. Poor or low self-esteem cause people to feel that everything they do in life is a losing battle and that they always get the short end of the stick.

Low self-esteem can be very painful and difficult to overcome. Self-esteem is something we come into the world with; it follows us through life like a shadow. If we lose it, we are lost. If we have we it, we can face all of life's trials and tribulations and maintain our sense of satisfaction and emotional well-being.

Self-esteem is also profoundly affected by what happens to us along life's path. Many circumstances may contribute to low self-esteem in teenagers, including:

• Divorce
• Learning disabilities
• Lack of friendships
• Illness
• Physical or emotional abuse
• A sick parent
• A death in the family

Many of these issues make a person feel that life will always be fraught with pain and failure. Low self-esteem makes people feel that their proverbial cup is always half empty.

For parents trying to connect to teenagers with low self-esteem, the best strategy is not to focus on the teens' negative patterns of behavior but rather to find ways to nourish their inner sense of self. Parents can take many steps to help build their teens' self-esteem. Here are just a few:

• Highlight positive aspects of their physical, mental, and emotional development, such as the way they look, the way they express their thoughts and feelings, the skills they have, and those they are developing.

• Focus on their accomplishments. Congratulate them for their achievements, however big or small. Remind them daily of the things they do well and of the courage they have shown.

• Help them to be realistic and accept the fact that they aren't perfect at everything and they don't have to be.

• Teach them to laugh at past disappointments when you can. Use set backs as opportunities for insight and growth.

• Help them develop a support system of people they trust who will listen when they need to talk.

Individuality

A person's individuality consists of the qualities and characteristics that distinguish that person as a unique human being. Without a sense of uniqueness, it is difficult for a person to establish their own identity in the world and to understand the special role that they will play.

Individuality is a very powerful part of being a teenager and the need for it grows as children get older. Young children's identities are often enveloped in the family's identity and they have little opportunity to express their own sense of self. But as they become teenagers, they have a greater need to establish their unique identity among their family and peers.

For teens at risk, parents need to take the time to acknowledge their teenagers' unique positive qualities. Unique qualities distinguish every human being. The fact that a teen may be depressed or difficult to relate to does not mean that the teen has no positive personality traits that need to be highlighted. For example, a fifteen-year-old girl who is doing poorly in school excels as an artist and musician. Or a fourteen-year-old boy with ADHD is a talented carpenter and has many practical and social skills that will help him to succeed in the business world.

Unfortunately we tend to demand the same level of success academically from all children, even though school achievement may not be an appropriate measuring stick with which to evaluate their success in life. Try to look at all teenagers as diamonds that need to be polished. When you help identify people's unique qualities, you are helping them to remove their rough exterior and allowing their G‑d-given brightness to shine.

At the same time, a teen's individuality must be moderated in relation to many other factors, including the need to be part of the family, school, and society. The challenge of individuality is for parents to nurture their teens' sense of uniqueness and at the same time help them to integrate their identity into the greater whole.

Love and Friendship

Love is one of the most important ingredients of life that can contribute to a person's emotional well-being. It is experienced when a person senses feelings of affection and fondness from others, especially from family and friends.

Children begin life seeking love from their parents and their environment. When babies are fed when hungry, held when scared, and covered when cold, they sense love and security from their parents. If the desire for love is fulfilled, children can grow up with the confidence needed to live a life of optimism and emotional security. If the need for love is frustrated, then people can be left with feelings of loneliness and despair.

Although we usually think about love as a necessity for young children, teens also need the same special feelings of love and affection from their parents as they get older. The way love is expressed by parents, however, may need to be changed according to the various stages in teens' lives. Love for teenagers does not mean buying them a lollypop or allowing them to stay up a little longer. Love for most teenagers is best expressed when a parent is able to understand their needs and is willing to listen to their inner issues. For a teenager, "to understand me" means "to love me."

Although teens aren't always easy to deal with and your relationship with your teenager may be strained, it's crucial to continue to express feelings of love and kindness and give your child a sense that you care about him or her. More than anything else, teenagers at-risk need friendly and loving parents who are able to spend enjoyable time with them without criticizing them or making them feel that they are being unjustly controlled.

Many Jewish sources highlight the importance of helping others, but the following one has resonated through the ages, perhaps more than any other:

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, who am I? And if not now, when?" (Hillel in Ethics of the Fathers, 1:14)

Whether our children are still babies or already teens, we can demonstrate the deep joy and lasting fulfillment that comes from doing chessed (acts of kindness) and tikun olam (repairing our world).

One of my newest children's books (Aliza in MitzvahLand, Judaica Press 2009) is about a girl often heard complaining, "I've got nothing to do!" Aliza has gotten used to being entertained, but she is given the opportunity to see things reversed when she enters a wondrous "looking glass world." She finds out how joyful people are when they are busy caring and doing things for others. Aliza discovers:

"When I've got nothing to do,
It's because I'm forgetting...
Our world was made for giving
Not getting!"

Doing good deeds for others is actually a boredom buster that always works. Even on a cold, rainy day, every child can become genuinely excited about looking for their own opportunities to do good deeds. Very young children can make colorful and cheery cards to send to relatives who would be thrilled to receive them. They can make phone calls to elderly people they know, or to children who are sick. Cleaning sticky walls (from somebody's little fingerprints) with sudsy water is another possibility – with many variations on this theme available! So is practicing a medley of songs and/or a skit about an upcoming Jewish holiday that can be performed in a local nursing home or assisted living facility.

The joy that comes from giving is incomparable, and this deep and amazing concept can be readily absorbed by children when presented in a simple and delightful way. It is also a transformative message that can genuinely revitalize our homes.

I run a Jewish Big Brothers and Big Sisters Program, in Baltimore, Maryland, and there is always a shortage of adults able to volunteer as a Big Brother/Sister for the many children and teens in need of a mentor. Invariably, during the screening process to become a Big Brother/Sister, these extraordinary individuals express how they learned the joy of reaching out to others during their own childhood or teen years.

Volunteering involves reaching beyond ourselves, and, in turn, it expands our lives in so many ways. Including our offspring in volunteer efforts helps both us and our children realize that we are part of something bigger. Little sticky fingerprints can wash off easily, but the imprint made from giving lasts a lifetime and beyond.

Perhaps the most difficult child to deal with in the classroom (and the home) is the oppositional child. A child who may have problems sitting still may be motivated by positive reinforcement. A child who has anxiety may have certain motivating factors that will help decrease their anxiety. An oppositional child, however, has inconsistent responses to authority, and a more creative parenting approach needs to be implemented.

In one such scenario, I had been asked to work with a child who recently began to attend a special school for children with behavioral challenges. Shmuel (name has been changed to protect privacy) had spent the majority of his previous year of schooling outside of his classroom door, being continually punished. It is no wonder that his self-esteem was low, and that he barely trusted adults. If supposedly knowledgeable adults were unable to help re-train this nine-year-olds difficult behavior, and instead continually punished him (to no avail), a child's reaction of mistrust is understandable. Though he was diagnosed with ADHD, his present primary symptoms were those of a more severe anxiety, reflected in his angry erratic outbursts. He was continually being oppositional towards adults, and did not respond well when he was given consequences to his negative actions, nor when he received positive reinforcement for his positive actions. The extremely caring and talented school principal was at a loss in relation to this student.

Though much has been written on the topic of the "oppositional child," techniques often deal with working with the child's limitations, rather than focusing on his/her future potential. A therapist/counselor might advise an oppositional child to deal with an irritating teacher's personality by trying not to get "caught," rather than seeing the child's future potential working together with a teacher, and classmates. This initial approach is quite understandable, as an oppositional child is often quite guarded and used to being offensive in response to authority.

However, one needs to follow a more "humanistic" philosophy, stressing the human being's endless potential, and how our positive thoughts can sometimes aid this process. An adult needs to possess a belief in the child's eventual ability to acclimate appropriately to the world around them.

Since an oppositional child doesn't often receive a "straight" message comfortably – be it a compliment or a direct request – a parent needs to speak in a more paradoxical round-about manner to achieve desirable results. A parent can use humor in getting a point across, saying: "I think that Sara is hiding… the Sara I know wouldn't say such a thing to her brother," and then proceed to search for their daughter in the living room. In a similar vein, a parent can say: "Do you think that I am so silly to think that you're not a good girl? I know better than that!" Since these are not direct statements, they can be received much easier by oppositional children.

Most essentially, an adult needs to be very specific in verbal praise when such an indirect statement is made. If an adult says: "Do you think that you can fool me into thinking that you're not a good girl? I know that you did 'x and y' this morning." one must be specific in praise. This praise needs to reflect the adult's value system and not be a perfunctory praise, such as: "You were a good boy today." Such praise can be: "Do you think that I'm so silly to think that you are a selfish boy? I know that you shared your new truck with your brother. That took a lot of kindness on your part." If the praise is specific and heartfelt, there is less chance of it being disregarded, even if it initially has to be given in an indirect manner.

Such methods were used with Shmuel and his teachers. We spoke openly to him about his inability to hear praise, and ways that he could hear compliments. We also spoke of "passwords" that we would all use to remind him that we were also truly "on his side." We spoke to Shmuel, his parents and siblings in a family session, stressing the support that the family could give him in assisting with his very low frustration tolerance. Shmuel's teachers and para-professional worked with him directly using these methods, avoiding direct criticisms at all costs. Consequences of his negative actions prevailed, but he was warned gently and his acting-out behavior greatly decreased.

One can sometimes problem-solve quite successfully with such children if the parameters of solutions and suggestions involved are extremely clear and these ideas allow for optional alternative plans (if the initial endeavors fail). Such children will be less disappointed in adults if they see that some issues are beyond anyone's control.

Optional plans allow for the unexpected, and adults' limitations, so that the oppositional child will have less reason to be angered as their expectations will be more realistic. Some children's responses are more tempered, and they are more responsive to adults when certain difficult issues are explained to them. Some oppositional behavior is due to lack of understanding when certain children are expected to "obey" without sufficient understanding of a difficult circumstance that confronts them.

A parent needs to put a great amount of energy into not responding in a defensive manner to an oppositional child (though this is a natural initial response). Once a power struggle begins, there are no victors in this battle. Since such a child's behavior is built on a multitude of factors, a parent's response needs to be varied as well. One response might be due to a child's low frustration tolerance, and another might be due to a child's intense issue with sibling rivalry. A parent needs to attempt to differentiate their responses depending on the given situation.

A parent also needs to attempt to use preventive measures to avoid power struggles. If a parent is aware of possible issues emerging in a given situation, it needs to be spoken about to avoid unnecessary stress with their oppositional child. The stance that a parent needs to reflect is that of compassion and sensitivity towards ones child, and not a fear of the child's possible volatile response. A child can sense if their behavior becomes a manipulative tactic or a cry to be understood. To avoid this pattern from becoming a negative one, a parent needs to be patient and compassionate and not fearful and defensive. Avoiding power struggles is clearly the continual challenge when working with such children.

Shmuel became much less distrustful and impulsive in his behavior, but it took much time and continual work on the staff and family's part. He was also given a special task to coordinate in school, which greatly enhanced his self-esteem. He no longer needed to exhibit acting-out behavior in order to receive attention from others. This activity was given as his responsibility (rather than a reward) so it followed him whether he behaved appropriately or not.

In order to work with an oppositional child successfully, one needs to be creative, and believe in the child's eventual potential to deal with authority in a positive and constructive manner. With the above mentioned methods, it is shown that such children can greatly develop their potential in a meaningful way throughout their lives.

To read the previous article in this series, Relationship-Centered Parenting, click here.

Relating to their teenager can be easier than most parents think, especially when they learn about the key areas that can sustain the relationship: connection,control, and communication. Together, the "Three Cs of Relationship Theory" provide a simple map to help parents evaluate where the relationship is going and show them how to steer their way through the rough roads of the teenage years.

The three Cs can help parents see the bigger picture and then decide which areas demand attention and which issues are superficial and should not be the focus of their relationship with their teenagers. For example, teenagers may tell their parents one day that they don't want to listen to them and that they are going to do something that the parents disagree with. Or parents may receive an unexpected phone call from the principal to discuss their teen's behavioral problems in the classroom. Should parents become angry, go on the offensive, and try to control their teens' behavior? Or should they try to learn more about their teens' inner issues, spend more quality time with them, and gently counsel them through their dilemmas? A look at the Three Cs should provide an answer.

Most problems can be resolved if parents focus their attention on one or more of the three key areas. According to Relationship Theory, parents need to ask whether the problem can be resolved by connecting more deeply to their teenager, by modifying their level of control, or by improving their communication with their teen.

The following chart summarizes the principles of Relationship Theory. In this and the following chapters, parents will learn how to put these principles into action.

Connection

Teenagers have many ways to drive their parents crazy. Take Debbie, for example, a fourteen-year-old girl who attends a prominent Jewish day school. Recently, her mother, Nancy, discovered she had several body piercings concealed under her clothes. Nancy was distraught because her daughter was doing something that she and her husband found repugnant. Nancy found out about the piercings from her neighbor after Debbie slept over at the neighbor's house.

In truth, Debbie's piercings are just one example of various forms of self-abusive behavior that have become trendy. The fashion industry has been able to make body piercing and wearing overly tight clothing or uncomfortable high heels popular. The industry has also created a belief that somehow clothing or accessories will bring a sense of happiness or pleasure to the consumer. Of course, pleasure is a relative term. To Debbie, the piercings may have seemed pleasurable since she received attention for being at the edge of fashion. For her parents, however, they were a sign that their daughter was rebelling against their family, and they were causing considerable frustration and embarrassment.

Are the piercings the only problem? Or is something deeper going on in Debbie's life? To help them connect to their teenagers, Relationship Theory asks parents to find out what issues are motivating their teens towards negative or self-destructive behavior.

In Debbie's case, my suspicion was that behind the outer issue of body piercings were deeper emotional issues that related to unresolved conflicts in her family. I believed that her body piercing was a call for help and that her parents needed to find out more about Debbie's inner world.

Learning about Your Teen's Inner World

Teens like Debbie live in two emotional worlds: an outer world and an inner one. The outer world represents a person's exterior or façade. It is a surface level from which people project their personality to their parents, friends and society. For instance, in the outer world, people can appear friendly and extroverted or sad and uncommunicative. They can also appear defensive or aggressive, but these attitudes don't accurately tell us what's really going on at the core of who they are or what they may be struggling with.

I once saw a client who at first appeared to be very "put together" on the outside. He presented himself as a sharp dresser, considerate, and calm. But after a few minutes of discussing why he had come to see me, it became apparent that he was suffering from depression and anxiety but was carefully hiding this secret from almost everyone around him.

People often try to hide how they feel. But when they do, they may not be aware of how their defensive responses may come across to others – especially their parents. Here is a list of the ways teenagers usually try to hide their feelings that exist below the surface:

• Negative behavior: threatening, attacking, sarcastic, rude

How others perceive this teenager: obnoxious, hostile, aggressive

Inner feelings: hurt, anxious, embarrassed, fearful

• Negative behavior: defensive, shy, withdrawn, uncommunicative.

How others perceive this teenager: rejecting, suspicious, mistrustful, apprehensive

Inner feelings: angry, resentful insecure, disappointed

• Negative behavior: judging, criticizing, disapproving

How others perceive this teenager: resentful, bitter, indignant

Inner feelings: overly self-critical, insecure, angry

Unfortunately we rely on our outer-world impressions of other people to try to figure out who they are, and that doesn't necessarily give us the full picture of their personality. It's always helpful for parents to go one step below the surface and explore what's inside their child's inner world. Debbie, for example, presents herself as a rebellious teenager who has a disregard for her parent's religious and cultural sensibilities. She tends to choose clothing that her mother dislikes, and she loves testing boundaries. Through her outer world, Debbie is known for her risky behavior and always seems to be getting into trouble with her teachers. But this is only half the picture. To help a girl like Debbie, we need to go beyond the surface and discover what's really going on inside.

To begin, let's take a look at some of the inner-world issues that exist at the core of teenagers' psyches that may be influencing how they behave with their parents. Although many theories describe this hidden world, we'll focus on several areas that can be addressed by parents.

The five dimensions are self-esteem, individuality, love and friendship, control, and meaning. As we explore each of these categories, parents should try to evaluate whether or not they are responsive to these specific emotional needs. A short relationship test question appears at the end of each section to help parents understand the strengths and weaknesses in their relationship with their teenager.

It's so easy to get angry at children. They break our crystal, lose money, coats and bus tickets, wail as if the world is coming to an end because they don't get what they want, refuse to do the smallest thing to help, embarrass us, fail us, taunt us and sometimes hate us. One can have a doctorate in child psychology and still feel helpless and enraged at times. Often our nerves are taut and we can be sent over the edge with any small act of defiance or disrespect. What can you do?

First, realize that if the child is tired, then he is feeling a bit insane. Exhaustion destroys his limited ability to make intelligent choices – just as it does with us! Reality becomes distorted and he is gripped with a terrible anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, confused and helpless. At this point, many parents scream at him to stop this nonsense, smack him to get him to behave or threaten some consequence. Remind yourself that the child does want to stop, but does not know how. It is a terrible feeling to be out of control, but he has not yet acquired the tools to calm himself. To help him, we need to remain calm. But how? When those piercing sobs arouse in us the same feelings of madness and utter helplessness which we experienced as children, it is time for some inner repair work.

Take a minute to recall feeling out of control as a child. How did your parents deal with you? If they did not respond positively, then take the time now to imagine being a wise and compassionate parent. Imagine holding yourself tightly in a loving grip. Tell yourself, "I know just how you feel. You are so hungry and tired. You're feeling all mixed up. You just can't stop. I know you can't help it. Let me rock you and sing to you. Soon we'll be asleep and the bad feelings will be gone." If you can empathize with what your own "inner child" experienced, and acknowledge those feelings you experienced long ago, then you can do it in reality. Practice this for a few minutes today, so that you can respond positively when they get out of control.

Remember, all you need to do is empathize and acknowledge, over and over again. Even if the child does not calm down immediately, you will remain calm. If you are in a store, take the child aside for a few minutes and do this. If you are on the street, sit on the curb and hold him. Every time you respond with patience and kindness, you are also nourishing a secret part of yourself that has been waiting for this nurturing for many years.

When a child is nasty, disrespectful and defiant, your urge to strike back will be overwhelming if you think of him as a spoiled, ungrateful child who is trying to drive you crazy. Because you feel like a failure when he acts like that, you will want to make sure that he feels like a failure as well. Then you will both be caught in a storm of guilt, shame and rage. If, on the other hand, you think to yourself, "This is an opportunity to display good character traits and repair the hurt in my own heart," you will avoid being vengeful and punitive. When my children misbehaved, I trained myself to say, "Thank you for the opportunity to work on my character." The words would usually stun them into utter silence, at least for a few seconds, so that I could think of a mature response. Even if they mocked me, I would say, "Oh, wonderful, another opportunity to work on my character traits!"

Children assume that we have far more wisdom, money and strength than we actually have. They don't realize that we can feel exhausted, bored and frustrated. They look to us to learn how to react in a crisis. By looking at these crises as opportunities to tap into the inner wisdom which we all have, our feelings of rage, guilt and shame will dissipate. By recognizing the child-terror and feelings of vulnerability which we once experienced as children ourselves, we can begin to receive the inner nourishment we need, and gain the strength we need to get home from the shoe store or get through the meal in a way which makes us feel proud of ourselves and makes us feel that G‑d is proud of us.

Each time we respond to others with sensitivity, the child crying for comfort within each of us gets another chance to receive inner nourishment. We cannot nourish others unless we first nourish ourselves. So the next time any unpleasant feelings arise within you, make sure to tell yourself, "It's okay to have these emotions. I'm human. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be outstanding. No one has to like me, not even my own children. I just have to do my best to be loving and kind and to deeply and completely love and accept myself as I am, right now." The compassion you give yourself will be expressed in greater compassion for others.